Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Formal Photos - You Mad?

Walters' Rageface
St Pat's student Rebel Walters has been the subject of much attention recently after the discovery of her 'rageface' from a photo posted facebook. The image in question was originally posted on facebook on the 4th of August by Walters herself, but it took until early this week untill it gained any attention.

"I was just browsing through my facebook photos when I stumbled across this photo of her and I," said student Liam Breen, "and I noticed that her face was really scary, I linked it to my friend Adrian and he worked his magic with it."

The photo posted by Adrian Smith has spurred speculation as to what it is that Miss Walters was making that face about. "She's probably mad at Liam," said witness Tate Corfield, "Look at the coolface he's pulling, he's practically saying: you mad?"

In a response to the comment made by Mr. Corfield, Liam Breen stated that "I totally didn't coolface on purpose, but come to think of it, I do recall feeling a burning feeling on my face, probably cause by how angry Rebel was."

Leading analysts however have found that Rebel was not, in fact, looking at Breen in the photo. Photo analysist A. Smith stated in a report that "Walters is clearly not looking at Liam, our advanced photo analysing techniques show that Walters is looking past Liam, possibly at the roof."

In further speculation as to the source of Rebel's anger, Breen stated that "Maybe she was looking at the roof because there was an invading ninja army, if she was we should all be thankful that she scared them away."

Walters has been praised for saving the school formal from ninjas.

Rebel Walter's rageface was quickly photoshopped onto an image of King Loenidas, further cementing her fame as a classic rageface.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Soundly Slammed - Accident, or Murder?

 A terrible loss occurred this afternoon when St Pat's student, Kaylah Fox, tragically destroyed her own headphones in her car door, although it's not so certain whether this loss was an accident or a crime.
News of the incident first appeared on Facebook in Kaylah's status update stating, 'broke headphones, this is a new record', evoking many sympathetic responses from friends.
Upon questioning about the nature of the accident, Fox stated that 'I was getting into the car with great speed because I had to work and my headphones got around the car door handle and jerked me back effectively screwing them up.'

But senior detective Adrian Smith wasn't as sympathetic. 'I felt that this was no accident, you could see from the damage to the door and the headphones that something wasn't quite right, the story didn't match the scene. Forensics shows that the damage done to the headphones was clearly crush damage, which doesn't match her (Fox's) story at all.'

Fox was taken into custody on suspicion of murder, where her story miraculously changed. Upon further questioning about the headphones Fox reportedly stated that 'it sucks that i actually liked them', while in an interview immediately following the accident Fox stated that 'I don't know if I had them long enough to miss them as much as I should'.

Such contradiction aroused the suspicions of Detective Smith even further, 'I wasn't happy with such a turn around in attitude,' he stated, 'especially now that she (Fox) knows that we're suspicious of her.'

Fox was initially charged with murder, but her charge was then reduced to manslaughter due to criminal negligence. She will serve a sentence of no headphones until she pays a replacement fine.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Local Black Man Plays Bass Guitar - Racism?

Corfield with his bass
Local man T. Corfield has been the target of much criticism over his choice of instrument, the bass guitar. Local aboriginal rights activist Tom Brown said in a statement today, 'As a man of Aboriginal and Torres Strait origins, Corfield should be sensitive to issues of stereotypes among his people, by playing bass guitar he is making it easier for white people to brand him with racist stereotypes.'

Local musician Joseph Power defended Corfield's musical preferences saying, 'Why should it matter what instrument he plays? I jam with him sometimes and he doesn't just play bass, he does normal guitar too, was Jimmy Hendrix being racist when he played guitar?'

The issue has sparked a chain of similar events, with people calling out what are now dubbed as 'passive racists' across the town.
In a bid to avoid criticism, local man Liam Breen took up roller skating saying that 'I'm pretty sure this is multicultural,' but many were dissatisfied with his choice claiming that now he was being passively discriminatory against homosexuals.
Breen's defense against these allegations were 'Guys I'm not gay, why does everyone think I'm gay?'

In a survey conducted briefly this morning, a anonymous black man stated that 'Why does anyone care that he [Corfield] plays bass? He's pretty good and that Tom Brown guy is going over the top with this, seriousy he's white, no black people care about passive racism.'

Corfield was unavailable for comment.

Smith Cautioned Against Trolling Facebook - Action Taken to Ban Him From Facebook

Notorious Troll A. Smith
Internet fiend and self confessed trolling addict A. Smith has been cautioned by Australian Federal Police today after allegedly continually trolling his Facebook 'friends'. Police Sergeant Fred Callous released a statement today concerning the matter. 'We have received multiple complaints about Smith and his actions on Facebook, while what he is doing isn't exactly a crime, there will be an investigation and he may be charged as a public nuisance.'

His main targets of 'Trolling', or purposely annoying, have started a petition to get Smith banned from Facebook. Victim of the malicious bullying Bree Ashton stated 'I can't believe he does it. It really hurts my feelings and other peoples too. You can only wonder what caused it; like he got molested as a child or something.'

A police statement released today specified that investigations are being made into the possibility of sexual abuse of Smith, and the possibility of him sexually abusing minors as a consequence.

Teacher at Smith's school and leading anti-Facebook activist, Mr. S. Geoghegan made an address to the students warning against the use of Facebook. While long winded, the speech emphasized that Facebook seemed to bring out the worst in people. Throughout the address a simile was used likening Facebook to the sewers underneath Paris. 'It's a whole new world in which you can dwell, but if you wish to traverse this world you need to be prepared to have to wade through filth.'

Student counselor Ann Keilson says 'This is really just an example of how social networking sites such as Facebook can be used to target and bully individuals.With campaigns such as Fear Stops Here beginning here and overseas, we really hope to see a reduction in the amount of bullying cases online. We hope to give people the skills to deal with internet Bullies.'

When questioned by reporter Liam Breen about the reasons for his constant trolling, Smith stated that 'It's like an addiction for me, I do it for the lolz, and it's like a rush; sometimes I do it twice on Sundays.'

Winner of Most Awesome Competition Announced

NewsLine graphical designer Myles Cooley has been named 'Most Awesome Contributor' to the blog after being nominated for the competition by the only other entrant and judge of the comp, NewsLine founder Liam Breen.

Competition winner Myles Cooley
'Well we were just talking on facebook', stated Mr. Breen in a press conference earlier today  'When Myles suggested that he could do some photoshop for the site background, I jumped on the opportunity and look how the site looks now.'

For winning the competition Myles was awarded 10 brownie points by founder Liam Breen, and will have one whole article dedicated to his winning of the Most Awesome Contributor competition.

Despite the competition results being agreed upon unanimously by the judge, other entrants to the competition feel that the results were unfair, and that Cooley had an advantage due to his relationship with the competition judge. Entrant Liam Breen commented 'Well i know that Myles is a close friend of the judge's, they often talk on MSN messenger and are friends on facebook, having no such interactions with the judge, I feel that there is some bias involved here, considering I've done two whole articles and Myles has only done one background'

Responding to this statement, Judge and founder Liam Breen told the entrant that he can 'Stop being such a queer', and 'Try adding some content that is actually interesting'. Mr. Breen defended Mr. Cooley's contributions saying that 'This guy has made this site look very professional and I am very thankful, not only did he make the background you can see today, but he was a key consultant in the colour scheme and layout'

Myles works can be found here

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

By The Power of Greyskull - Possible Masters of the Universe Live Action Film

A recent survey by the Sydney Institute of Film Studies shows that over 90% of fans of the show 'Masters of the Universe' would go and see a live action movie based on the cartoon. 'So many fans of the show are interested in seeing a live action film based on the show, our studies project that any live action film based on Masters of the Universe will turn a good profit just due to the fan base already established' says professor Carl Van den Burg of the institute.
Masters of the Universe hero, Heman

The study shows that of 10 000 people surveyed between 18-35 years old, over 80% had seen the show, and 60% were fans. Of the fans, over 75% were males aged between 25 and 30, and 90% of them said they would see a live action film based on the popular cartoon series.

Casting and film expert Frank Jones said in a comment this week, 'It would be interesting to see who would get the role of Heman, he is so strong and charismatic, you would need to get a actor of similar attributes to really pull this one off.' In another statement Jones commented that, 'This movie would be a great opportunity for some up and coming actors to get their foot in the door with some leading roles, since the greats like Sylvester and Arnold are getting old, there's really some scope for a new "muscle man" actor to step up'

At the Sydney Institute of Film Studies Film Ideas convention this weekend, up and coming producer Michael Richards said today that he would consider taking on the task of making a live action Masters of the Universe film. Relatively new on the scene, Richards has made 5 different short films and one feature film, each performing relatively well in Australian film festivals.

Michael Jackson Comes Out of Hiding - Announces New Comeback Tour

Previously believed dead, Michael Jackson has made an appearance to media today from his home in Neverland Ranch, California, announcing another comeback tour and saying that his death was merely a stunt.
'I was sick of all the attention', said the pop star, 'but I've had some time to recuperate and deal with some medical issues of mine and I'm ready to start performing again'.
Michael Jackson also apologized for any anxiety he may have caused over his death.

There has been consideration that Michael's apparent death was s means of evading tax, and the amount of debt the formerly affluent pop star had accumulated. Financial analyst Robert Johnson stated 'By now all of Michael Jackson's insurance and benefits would have been paid out, it would be very difficult for any debt collectors to take a sum of money this large back, but believe me, they'll try.'
Pop Star Michael Jackson in his home at Neverland Ranch, California

The star's attorney, Peter Lopez, commented on the state of his financial affairs prior to the star's 'death';
'There is talk that Michael was suffering financially and that this 'death affair' was a means of avoiding these problems, but I assure you that these recent events were merely used by Michael so that he could rest and deal with his medical conditions without the constant worry of public scrutiny and invasion of privacy.'

Celebrity analyst Brandon McAlister speculates that 'Michael may be using this as a publicity stunt; he got everyone excited for a comeback tour only to let them down, now everybody will be desperate to see more of Michael when he "comes back", and you can't forget the millions made on the tribute to MJ DVDs and CDs they all sold'

The dates for the New Comeback Tour are yet to be released, but in a statement issued this morning Michael suggested that he may begin touring as early as February 2011, claiming to have begun rehearsals in secret earlier this year.